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October 09, 2007

SEO High School Confidential - Premiere Edition!

By Li Evans

I think I'm going to start another column called "SEO High School Confidential", what do you think?  I'm a little tongue in cheek with that, and I can't take full credit for the name ..... my coworker Bill helped me come up with the name.

Remember that game where you start where on one end of the circle and whisper in the persons ear and by the time it got back to you i was totally distorted and wasn't anything close to what was started with?  It's like that.

I also recently said in conversation, I want to see all my friends happy and hanging out again - not this back biting, name calling stuff, let's beat the big guy while he's up there.  I want to see happy people - not bright shiny happy people holding hands (yes, that's REM and I'm dating myself), but happy, laughing people.

So in light of that desire....I present the SEO High School Confidential ..... totally, absolutely untrue, but rather ridiculously misconstrued tales from around the industry, that I hope will bring a chuckle to your day.

  • Bo_duke_dukes_of_hazzard_2 It has been reported that Chris Winfield really does like to dress up as Bo Duke on the weekends, pictures have surfaced of him dying his dark hair blond, not putting gel in it (*gasp the horror*) and feathering his hair (my my what would Jonathan say?).

    Apparently Danielle, his wife, is also having trouble with his weekend hobby. Poor gal, cannot keep up with designing him new jeans every weekend.  It seems that Chris isn't as limber as he use to be as he seems to rip every pair of jeans he wears .... every time he attempts to slide across the hood of the General Lee.
  • Muppets_swedish_chef Did you know that Bill Slawski worked his way through college and law school as a chef?  So technically Bill is an English Major .... with a ... (no not a spreadsheet, ha! ha! you thought I was going to say spreadsheet didn't you?)... frying pan? 
    Apparently Bill likes to create Google Pies and Pastries, Yahoo Fillets,  Ask Soups, and Live Casseroles.  Unfortunately  Bill's neighbors and the area fire department fear when Bill starts making one of his concoctions.  It seems that he just cannot leave all those patents he reads there on his desk.  He takes creating these masterpieces very seriously by including these patents as part of the recipe!  (Fire extinguisher anyone?)

  • Hogs_2How about this little factoid I got from a 2nd cousin's wife's recently deceased brother:  Did you know that Jennifer Laycock can hog tie pigs with her bare hands?  Yes, yes, it's been told that Jennifer's been seen writing blog posts that piss off pigs.  Believe it or not, these pigs got so pissed off one time they sent the whole hoard after her!  However, this little incident was apparently nothing that this fearless editor couldn't handle.  With a few flicks of her fingers on the keyboard, she has this hoard, all hog tied up. 
    Gee, wow, Jenn do you wear a superhero cape, too?  And are the shoes cute for this gig, cuz I may wanna buy a pair! ;)

  • Cooter_dukes_of_hazzard_2 It's been whispered that Neil Patel is trying out for both the part of Gopher Smith on the Love Boat, and Cooter on the Dukes of Hazard.  Apparently he thinks acting will get him more fame than being an SEO princess

    "To heck with optimizing blogs and websites for other famous people!  I wanna be the suuuuupa star!" is apparently what his neighbors hear through his open windows, as he dresses in greasy cut off shirts and ball caps holding a wrench in front of his mirror.

  • Queen_elizabeth_ii_williamsburg Apparently one SEO took the phrase "God Save The Queen" a little to literally this summer.  Wanting to save the queen from Google Hell, Debra Mastaler rushed on over to Busch Gardens, where the Queen of England was waiting in line to ride the Big Bad Wolf roller coaster.  Debra really wanted to discuss Queen Elizabeth's horrible Google Rankings. 
    "I swear, Elizabeth, those Google Rankings of yours are just as horrible as those colonists who threw your tea in the Boston Harbor!"  As members of the Scotland Yard pulled her away, Debra yelled "That cloaking and link buying your webmaster's doing will get Matt Cutts to yank you faster than BMW from Google's index!"

    No word yet from the Queen's reps, if Deb will be invited back for tea and crumpets to discuss her Yahoo rankings, but we heard Matt's been sent a special invite!

  • Teddy_bear_costume The SEO High School Confidential camera was recently out in western Washington state tracking a rather famous Search Marketing professional who writes all about Small Business SEM. He apparently was trying on some Halloween costumes and just looked so adorable, the clerks in the store wanted to just hug him and squeeze him and take him home and call him "George".  "But I swear, my name is Matt! Not George, and not Teddy!"  No word on whether the ladies at the costume shop gift wrapped him with a bow or not.
    (the pic on the right is the costume he tried on that our roving photographer caught, great pose there Matt!)

  • She_hulk_2_comic Did you know that apparently Li Evans really doesn't wear hair extensions.  Greg Meyers, Li's fellow SMG blogger,  let it leak that she lives less than 10 miles from a nuclear power plant, and he thinks that's the source behind Li's ever changing hair lengths.  No word yet on whether he's spotted Li changing to an all green color, gaining muscles like Hulk Hogan, or biting the heads off of other SEO school math club members.  However, Greg did mention something about a captain's hat and a clip board and her yelling "shuffle board on the Leedo deck at 10 a.m.".

    (hey come on, I've gotta be fair and pick on myself!  If you can't laugh at yourself, then you're too serious!)

Isn't it funny how things can get twisted around, and just how ridiculous it can end up sounding? That's the point of SEO High School Confidential.  It also makes a point that unless you ask the person directly, you'll never get the truth.

Depending on my time availability and people's willingness, this might become an twice a month piece.  If you got a fun idea, shoot me an email and maybe I'll include in the next round.


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» Announcing The 2007 "Columbo" Humorous Blog Post Winners from Search Engine Land: News About Search Engines & Search Marketing
The fix is in, the votes have been counted and the winners determined in the 2007 Rubber Chicken Award for Humor (aka the Columbo) in the search industry. And the winners are:... [Read More]


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